The Friendly Skies

I just got back from a trip to Orlando, Florida. Before you think I had fun, let me tell you it was for work...I was attending a conference on employee benefit plans. I know. I know. Try not to be jealous. I was only outside to go from the airport to the hotel/conference center, and from the hotel/conference center to the airport...which turned out to be a good thing seeing as how it started raining the day after I got there, and didn't stop until...well, HAS it stopped? I don't know. But I do know, I have never seen rain like that in my life. It doesn't rain like that here in Southern California, Peeps. Not even close. I felt like I was surrounded by a waterfall. I did all of my shopping in the Orlando Airport.

Anyway, this whole travel experience got me wondering, as it always does, about why people in airports and airplanes (and probably trains and buses too) have to act like such inconsiderate assholes?

My whole goal of traveling is to be as inconspicuous as possible. Frankly, think this should be every one's goal in traveling. You know, inconspicuous...not immediately obvious, unremarkable, unobtrusive, not noticeable. Inconspicuous.

I know most of you get this, but there are those of you out there...say ten to fifteen or so on any given flight, that simply do not get this. And those ten of you can make traveling a tortuous hell for the inconspicuous folk. So let me try to explain this in a way you will understand. Kay? Good.

• DO arrive at the airport with plenty of time so that you can patiently stand in the inevitable lines and still comfortably make your flight.
• DON'T arrive late then bitch long and loud about the line until the people around you, who properly planned their day, feel compelled to let you cut in line ahead of them, just to shut you up.
• DO have all of your baggage properly tagged with your address, so they can be quickly handled at the counter.
• DON'T show up with thirteen unmarked bags and make the rest of us wait while you fill out address tags at the counter, all the while complaining about the bag fees. Yes, the bag fees suck. We all think so. Your nonstop bitching and moaning about them is not helping.
• DO have yourself ready to go through the security checkpoint. This means having your properly-sized liquids stored in a clear, properly-sized zip-lock bag, your laptops out of their carrying cases, and your shoes off in anticipation of the event.
• DON'T arrive at the security checkpoint with a bottle of shampoo from Costco in your carry-on, and try to bargain with the security guard.
• DON'T decide to completely unlace your high-top tennis shoes, only after making security guard order you to remove your them, to punish the guard. It is not him you are punishing. It is the poor souls stuck behind you in line.
• DON'T try to get your laptop through security without removing it from it's case because it is a special, sensitive machine, and you are a special, sensitive creature.
• DO be ready to board the plan when your rows are called.
• DON'T crowd around in front of the gate at the first possible sighting of a flight attendant. We are all going to arrive at the same time. Being the first one on the plane does not mean you will be the first one on the ground.
• DO be organized and quick in boarding the plane and stowing your carry-on luggage.
• DON'T apply your make-up, balance your checkbook, change your child's diaper, or read War and Peace until AFTER you get your butt in your seat, with your seat belt securely fastened. The fifty people in the aisle behind you are trying to get to their seats too.
• DON'T try to cram a super-sized duffel bag with wheels in the overhead bin. It is not going to fit. You should have checked it in the first place, Idiot!
• DON'T then try to hold this super-sized duffel bag on your lap. The flight attendant IS going to notice. So are the people sitting next to you.
• DO listen to and follow the flight attendant's instructions.
• DON'T think the seat belt, or tray table, or seat back rules don't apply to you. I don't know why the tray tables and seat backs HAVE to be in their upright and locked positions, but they do, okay? These are the rules. Just follow them. JUST FOLLOW THEM! DON'T make the flight attendant come tell you three times.
• DO try to hold it. If you can't, DO get an aisle seat towards the rear of the aircraft, if possible. And DO plan your potty trips so that they do not interfere with take-off or landing. I don't like risking my life to get out of my seat just so that you who cannot plan don't pee your pants.
• DON'T sit in the window seat and make the passengers next to you get up and down ten times to let you out of your seat. DON'T decide when we are seconds from landing that you must go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW.
• DO be aware that not everyone on the flight finds your conversation riveting, or your child delightful.
• DON'T assume that the people in the front of the plane care to hear the vacation plans of the folks in the back of the plane.
• DON'T let your screaming child continue to kick the back of the seat in front of him/her as a form of entertainment, just so you won't have to put down your vodka and your Romance of the Month club novel.
• DON'T assume that your "membership" in the Mile High Club needs to be witnessed by other passengers to be valid.
• DO disembark the plane in an orderly, courteous fashion, in the least amount of time possible.
• DON'T stand in the aisle, pull out your cell phone, and call someone to tell them "We're here!" before getting your carry-ons and getting your butt off the plane. The people behind you on the plane are "here" too, and everyone has some place they need/want to be.
• DON'T decide where you have to be in much more important than where everyone else has to be, and push your way past everyone in the aisles in front of you to get off the plane first.
• DON'T decide you need to visit the bathroom in the rear of the aircraft, while everyone is trying to get off the aircraft. There are bathrooms in the airport too. Use one of those.
• DO stand close enough to the baggage conveyor to locate your bag, but be considerate of others who also need to locate their bags.
• DO check the tag to make sure it is your bag before you disappear with it.
• DO, as quickly and quietly as possible, get out of the way once you have retrieved your bags.
• DON'T push your way to the front of the conveyor belt in order to wait for baggage from a flight that has not even been announced yet.
• DON'T grab that basic black American Tourister model 101 bag and run out of the airport without checking the tag, only to arrive at the hotel with someone else's clothes, then say "Well it looked like my bag." Everyone's bag looks like that. Check the tag, for pity's sake! It takes like ten seconds of your valuable time. Trust me, there will still be a cab parked out front when you are done.
• DON'T get your bags, then proceed with your family reunion in front of the baggage conveyor. Move away from the damn conveyor belt before reviewing your entire vacation itinerary.

And if you can't remember all of these dos and don'ts, just remember these two...it is very simple, really: DO be courteous to your fellow travelers. DON'T act like you are the only person on the planet. Seriously.