Phew! Well that sucked. But I have endured another deadline and lived to tell the tale. Let's see...twice a year for hopefully only 20 more years...only 40 more of those to go!
Let me change the subject before I dissolve into a puddle of tears. This is a HAPPY day. The 16ths are always happy days. Especially those of April and October.
So totally off the subject, a question: Am I a bad parent?
Let's just say I know some people...more than a few actually, who do things for their kids that I do not. For example, their homework. I don't mean helping...I mean doing. Is this something I should have done, because I didn't? Would your answer change at all if I told you the kids getting the help were in COLLEGE?
I know someone else who pays their adult child's living expenses...all of them, including all the extra bells and whistles, too. We are not talking simply food here, but rent, brand new cars, $300 cell phones, plus spending money. Should I be doing this, because again, I'm not? Would your answer change if I told you these kids were NOT in college?
I know someone else who is their adult child's administrative assistant, handling all her "business." You know, bill paying, check writing, doctor appointments. This individual has even interceded on her daughter's behalf with her college professors and her employers. I ask you again, should I be doing this, because as you may have guessed, I am not.
Maybe I am a bad parent. Maybe I should be doing these things for them. I guess it is my own parents' fault that I don't do these things.
Never once in the years I was in school did my parents do my homework for me...not in kindergarten, not in middle school and certainly not in college. They helped on occasion..but it was a rare occasion, and usually involved building some monument out of papier mache and sugar cubes. They also helped me study for exams by running through flashcards with me...flash cards I made and studied ad nauseum before they stepped in. I can remember a time or two that my mom helped type a paper that I had written by myself, and she made no changes to my spelling or grammar. That was on me.
And my parents did pay many of my expenses while I was in college, but I had plenty of student loans to prove that I was expected to help pull my own weight. Oh, and I had a job, too, by the way, no cell phone (of course they hadn't been invented yet, but still), and a car that was far from brand new. And I knew that if I ran out of money, there wasn't an unlimited supply to draw from. I couldn't just call home and ask for more. I had to do without for awhile.
Later, as an adult, I won't say my parents never helped me, for example buy something I couldn't afford, like a new television, or a nice set of pots and pans. But paying my day-to-day living expenses? Uh, no way! Rent, gas, utilities, insurance...all my problem.
And it goes without saying that my parents have never called my employer to rail over some injustice they believe I suffered. They never called my college professors to ask if I could get an extension on that paper they were going to write for me anyway, or to complain about the D the prof "gave" me on the last exam, because I certainly wouldn't have earned that D on my own. That would be impossible.
So see...it's their fault I don't do these things for my kids. They're the ones who taught me to stand on my own two feet, to fight my own battles, to face my own responsibilities and consequences. They are the ones who made me do the same for my boys.
Am I crazy to think that a parent's job? Or am I just a bad parent, with bad parents?
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6 comments:
What?! You are not an enabler of bad behavior?
It really gets under my skin too when parents do all that stuff for their kids. It makes the kids WEAK I tell ya. WEAK. They are the ones we are forced to work with that whine about things not being fair and crumble at any obstacle. We don’t feel sorry for them because we know they are spoiled mamby pamby asses.
I just have to tell you this too. My boss has a son who is 37 and he bought the house the son lives in and also raises the son his son has. This 37 year old is exactly what you described and let me tell ya sister…it makes me ill.
I think you touched a nerve with me.
I was recently on my soapbox, both in a blog and in a letter to the editor of the local paper, about people lacking a sense of personal responsibility. I think a lot of it may lead back to the parenting you are talking about here. It starts with being raised with a sense of entitlement and no repercussions for your behavior.
I think my children would agree that you can put me on the "Bad Parent" list too. When my daughter was little and mad because she wasn't getting her way she would yell at me that I was mean. One day I acted very excited by it and told her that there was a mean mom award that was handed out every year. It was my goal to get the trophy and when she called me mean it meant that I had a real chance. After that every time she said I was mean I would say "YES! I am going to get that trophy this year!!" She would then start yelling about how nice I was. I miss those young gullible years!
Yep. Can't stand that crap either. I mean, looking out for our kid's well being means being mean sometimes. Wish more parents understood that.
There's an essay out there called "Meanest Mother" by Bobbie Pingaro that you might want to read (it may be a little dated, but whatever:)
Meanest Mother.
I had "mean" parents, too. And I am thankful every day (as an adult) for them. (Your kids WILL thank you later on. Trust me on this.)
And as a college prof, I thank you for not making your kids whiny-assed, "wipe-my-butt-please" types. I deal with FAR FAR too many kids who were "helped" so much every step of the way that any sense of being able to do things themselves - without constant supervision and constant reminding of what they need to do next - has atrophied.
If there were more mean parents in the world, there would be fewer mean kids. Go Maggie!
Wow. I'm a totally crappy parent. Because, you know, I believe in a little thing called consequences. Actions have them, and I HATE people that teach their little snowflakes that consequences don't exist.
NOT doing them, or the rest of us, any favors.
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