Crazy Betty

In this post, I mentioned our former friend, Crazy Betty, and I promised to tell you about her so that you all could decide for yourselves if it is she, or CO and I, who are crazy.

So here goes...

The first time we met Betty, she had been dating CO's best friend, John, for several months. CO and I were both a little leery, because we really liked John's ex-girlfriend, so you know how that goes. But we put on our happy faces, and went to dinner with John and Betty. We're all introduced, and Betty gives the perfunctory "hi" which is the last word she says for the next...uhm, well forever, or at least the next hour, which felt like the same thing.

I am feeling a little bad for Betty. See John and I knew each other before CO and I knew each other. In fact, John had a hand in introducing me to CO, so needless to say, I am very comfortable with John, and can talk to him as easily as CO can. I'm sure Betty felt a bit left out. So being the other woman in this foursome, I tried to get Betty engaged in the conversation. I am asking her questions like this:

Me: "So, Betty, do you have kids?" (I knew she did)

Betty: "Yes."

Me: "How many?"

Betty: "Two."

Me: "Really? Boys or girls?"

Betty: Blank stare

Me: "Are your kids boys or girls?"

Betty: "Yes."

Uhhhhmmmmm, okay. What does that mean? I assumed on my own that they were one or the other. I really didn't need confirmation on that. I was looking for some specificity here, but whatever. Obviously, the woman doesn't want to talk about her kids. Let's change the subject.

Me: "So, Betty, what do you do?"

Betty" "Work."

Me: "Yes, uhm, where do you work?"

Betty: "***" (insert name of her employer)

Me: "What do you do there?"

Betty: Blank stare. She was very good at the blank stare.

Okay, so she doesn't want to talk about kids or work. Where do I go from here? There was a hockey game on the television, so I stupidly went for that.

Me: "Do you like sports?"

Betty: "Ugh! No!"

Mmmmkay. I wanted to ask was she capable of more than one word sentences, because so far, she hadn't demonstrated that ability. Instead, I opted for a ladies room visit. I needed to escape and think about this for a few minutes.

Me: "I'm going to the ladies room. Back in a few."

Betty: "Me too."

No one was more shocked that I. I mean TWO words! Wow! Not to mention the fact that she obviously could not be coerced into conversation, why would she want to accompany me to the rest room? I'm trying to escape here, dammit!

So off we go to the ladies room, no speaking the entire time. I smiled; she stared. When I was finished, which was quickly mind you, as this was a purely invented visit, and I did not really have to go, I washed my hands and waited for her.

And I waited. And I waited.

Hmmmm. I looked for her shoes under the stalls, but I couldn't remember what they looked like, so after about 10 minutes, I went back to the table.

There she was.

Okay, I know the male readers will not understand this, but I guarantee the women are gasping in horror right now. Look, I don't know why women go to the bathroom together. Honestly, it is sometimes to talk about you men...but not always. We just do it. Habit? Fear? I don't know.

But even though I don't know why we do it, I do know how we do it, and the rules are very, very clear on this...if you go together, you return together. Period. End of sentence. It doesn't matter if you have known each other for ten minutes or ten years. You wait.

I am quoting from the rule book when I say: "It is only acceptable to return from the ladies room alone if you have clearly stated this intention to the other party, and have received confirmation from them that they have heard and understand this plan of action."

Ladies? Am I wrong?

Needless to say, the rest of the night did not go any better.

Later that night when we were on our way home, I turned to CO in complete dismay and said, "She left me in the bathroom." He did not get it. But every time I have told this story since, any female in the room has said, "No way!"

Over time, we moved on from that scene, and eventually, we invited John and Betty over to our house for a Halloween party. That didn't go well either. Betty literally said only "Hi" and "Bye." The rest of the night she sat in a corner, spoke to no one...not even John. Turns out, this was pretty standard, normal behavior for her. In fact I saw her at a party at a mutual friend's house this year, and she did the very same thing.

Unfortunately, John married her, and eventually, I think like a year and a third kid later, she did start talking to us. I can't remember why, but she did. And I have to say, I was almost sorry she did, because once she started talking, crazy ass things came out of her mouth. Things like:

"I always worry that John is going to have me killed to collect on my life insurance policy, so when he goes to work (at 2:00am), I make Bobby (her oldest son), come sleep on my side of the bed, so the hit man will get him instead of me."

I swear to you, she actually said this. I cannot make this shit up.

This is wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to analyze it. I mean, first, if you are really afraid your husband is going to have you killed, why would you stay married to him? And that is just a minor point compared to the fact that she seems to be fine with her son taking the hit for her! Her twelve year old son! Mother of the year, that one!

Another favorite: "I tried to stop drinking one day, but I just got so stressed that on the way to the movies, I stopped and got a bottle of rum for my coke. But that doesn't make me an alcoholic. Everyone does that. What would you do if you couldn't drink every day?"

Okay, uhm, that's pretty much the definition of an alcoholic, so yes it does! And everyone does not do that. Only alcoholics do that. By the way, in case you are wondering, I don't drink every day. When I told her that, she told me I was lying. Okay, then.

Let's see, a few other random facts about Crazy Betty...

• She thought she was being haunted by the ghost of her dead mother.

• When we'd go out to eat, always where she wanted to go, she ordered three meals and took like one bite from each one, and threw the rest away.

• She drank and smoked through all four of her pregnancies.

• She has four kids with four different men. And when she had her fourth kid, she was married to her third kid's daddy. Uhm, yeah...take a minute on that one. John is kid number three's daddy, but not kid number four, and they are still married.

• She got mad, almost daily, and threw her wedding and engagement rings out the front door into the yard, and John would have to go outside with a flashlight to look for them. (As an aside, CO told me if I ever throw mine away, I'm not getting them back. Good to know).

• She loved to get naked in her hot tub...even when we were there, and one night on the way home from a bar, she asked CO and I if we would be interested in swinging.

Uhm, I'm sorry, what was that last one? Did you say...

Yes, I did! She asked if were were interested in swinging...the big wife swap, trading places, whatever you want to call it. She was into it, and asked if we would consider getting into it too.

We said "I don't think that's such a good idea."

Then she got pissed, threw one of her infamous tantrums and tried to tell everyone that CO and I are the ones who brought it up.

Oh, and believe it or not, there is even more I could tell you about Betty, but I think that about covers the highlights.

So I ask you again...Who's crazy?