Okay, a question:
So the moving thing is back on the table for CO and I. It may not work out again, but it has got us to thinking about reinvention.
I am at a place with my job that is unpleasant. I know too much, and what I know, well, frankly it pisses me off. I have now seen the bloody guts of the thing and it ain't so pretty from this angle. And staying here...I can't unknow what I know. I can never go back to those days of blissful ignorance that I so long for.
We would also be leaving behind the family stuff we struggle with...some of which is my fault, but some of which is CO's fault (and some of which is neither of our faults) I know family doesn't go away, but distance does ease the daily tensions. When people are not faced with dealing with you all the time, and you them, you try to find pleasure in the limited time you do spend together, and a lot of the petty bullshit goes away.
Then of course there is the Island of Misfit People issue. As I said in that post, it is difficult to make friendships here, and the ones we have had are too far gone to save, in many cases (like this one). I realize that moving won't help you instantly make friends, but it would be a fresh start, where none of the ghosts of the past follow you, and the people you know don't have these preconceived notions of you. You get to reinvent yourself in a new image...the one you'd like to be instead of the one you are.
But is that ever really possible? Can you reinvent yourself, even by moving 200 miles away, or are you just are who you are? Is it inevitable that the old habits will return, because they are part of your true self, no matter where you live, or will good intentions and a desire to change things be enough? In the end, will it all be the same...just 2000 miles north east?
Can anyone really change?
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5 comments:
I don't know if people really ever change but I don't think either of YOU need to.
You can change your job and it sounds like you really need to do that regardless of what happens. You can change where you live. I have never lived anywhere but the Midwest and "they" say that we are the most friendly people. Seriously, how many times have you visited your family in the Midwest and everybody waves at you driving down the road? Not to say there aren't jerks in the Midwest too because there are.
Maybe you guys are just geared towards a simpler life. Family and friendships are important to you. More important than climbing the corporate ladder.
Life is so short and if moving, being closer to family and having the possibility of making new friends is on the table than maybe it is time to just make the leap.
I have a good vibe about this Maggie~~~
I've known people who've changed, but more commonly I've seen people change their circumstances and allowing previously hidden parts of their personality to come out. For example, aloof and grouchy people may change jobs, start getting enough sleep and eating better, and suddenly their pleasant side comes out. Then that new side becomes more of a habit and the person can better resist sliding back when times get tougher.
The other method usually involves religious conversion (or a similar epiphany) - though of course, depending on the religion that can make the person much better, or much worse. (With some of the people you describe I have to seriously wonder whether their god stares at them in the mirror each morning.) Even then, the changes usually take time and bear fruit slowly, as the "new creation" matures. Lightning changes are rare, and usually short-lived. The drawback is that it has to be a real conversion of belief - people who try to use God as a complicated self-help tactic usually miss out on both Him AND self-improvement.
I don't think I've ever known anyone to seriously PLAN a religious conversion for a later date, and then follow through. ("Sorry, I'm scheduled to start worshiping Ganesh in 2010, you have to put up with my arson until then.") In fact, some of the time the person converting is the last person to notice - everyone else notices the differences first, while the person in question is too occupied with learning everything there is to know and acting moment-by-moment.
In the end, the first step is usually that the individual sees a need to change and then sets about on the hard work of getting better habits and training up in a new way of thinking and reacting - and that's tough work, as anyone can tell who's had a New Year's Resolution.
Of course you don't have to move or change jobs to do something like that, but what I hear you saying is that the job is itself part of the trouble. You don't like your area of the country, you don't like where you work. In that case, changing those things would probably be good for you, and doing things that are good for you allows the better part of your nature to show; you don't have to use all your energy fighting your way back to zero, and have nothing left for a positive reaction to others (or yourself).
For what it's worth, we all like you, Maggie - for being as Maggie as you are. You can, at least, take your cyber-friends with you wherever you move. Just remember, a fresh start can happen anywhere, and moving isn't a guarantee of one. Whatever you decide, we're behind you!
I have moved a lot. A LOT. I have lived in 17 different places in my life. There was some temptation, of course, to present myself differently in some of those moves, and, being surrounded by people who did much the same thing as me (moving a lot, that is) you could see it in them as well. I have found that change is possible, but it has to come from some deep-seated catharsis. More than a move, I find.
BUT, I think it's more important to be comfortable being who you are. Comfort and self confidence are attractive traits. Friends usually follow.
Like Fly said, we like you and you can take us with you until "real life" folks can see in you what we all do.
You guys are sweet. One of the benefits of all of this is that I can take my internet friends with me! People who don't understand this blog/internet connection would find this strange, but I find it tremendously comforting.
MM -- I'm asking this same question because MB and I are considering moving at some point. I have a lot of similar issues to yours -- friends, job issues (as in, right now I don't have one) -- and I'm just sick of where we ARE. I feel the need to just shake loose of everything here and go go GO! But, yeah, you wonder: will I just recreate this same situation? Is it the circumstances of life here or is it me???
I don't have any real answers for you here, MM. Just know I'm going through some of the same stuff.
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