More Heartache

My cousin committed suicide last night. He was 46.

This is not my first experience with suicide...unfortunately. One of my best friends from high school, the brother of my oldest childhood friend, and a co-worker have all taken this same road.

This kind of a death is so unique. There is the grief, of course, but it is accompanied by the warring emotions guilt and anger.

It is the most completely selfish, and irrevocable choice a person could ever make. Does a person at this place in their life ever think about those they will leave behind to bear this devastation? Do they ever think of the person who will find them, and the images that will thereafter haunt them for life? Or are they simply so absorbed in their own pain that it becomes more important than anyone else's pain?

Then I remind myself that someone who would do this, they are in a very dark place...a place, thankfully, I have never been. They are unwell, both mentally and emotionally, and they don't know how to get the help they need. They don't even think they can be helped. But they can. Of course they can. Things suck sometimes, but they always get better, too. But someone in this dark place cannot fathom it.

And, then there is the waste. I have lost three people I have cared about in the last 7 months that would have done anything to stay longer. And here is someone I cared about willing to throw it all away. It is incredibly unfair.

Still, I will remember him laughing. I guess, like many, I didn't see the dark side of him. He was incredibly fun to be around.

I will miss you, WRL. I will miss you, and I am so very sorry you felt this was your only option. I hope you have finally found some peace, because the price you paid, and everyone paid, was very, very high.

I know his sister-in-law reads this blog, so to her, his wife, his brothers and sister, his nieces and nephews and his in-laws, I hope you find some peace too. I am very, very sorry.