Hard Lessons

I have been quiet this summer. There has been so much happening, I have hardly had time to write things down. Also, I have been fairly introspective lately. Some things happened awhile back that started with the blog, but ended off of it...and ended badly, which have made writing anything significant a bit difficult for me. But I have some lingering feelings that need to be worked through, and there is no better forum. Here goes.

I know a person, let's call him Zipper, that I do not care for. I have many things I could say about Zipper...things I have said to him directly, so to enumerate them here would not be talking behind his back. However, while he is at the start of this, this isn't really about him, so I will leave it at the basics...he exists and I don't like him.

Back in the spring, I posted something eluding to Zipper and my displeasure over some comments he made. My effort was intended to stick up for a guy named Biff, who I believed Zipper had wronged. Biff's brother (BB) was a regular reader of my blog at that time, but Biff was not. BB posted that he was concerned about the content of the post, and asked me to take it down. He was afraid that the post might cause trouble for Biff, who definitely did NOT need it. I took the post down, as I would never want to hurt Biff, or BB for that matter. Later I had a phone conversation with BB, a person whom I truly adored and trusted completely. In that conversation, BB shared with me some negative feelings and frustrations he had towards several other people. I understood he needed to get some of those feelings off his chest, and I tried to be a good friend to him by listening and empathizing where possible. He also asked me to tell him why I felt so negatively towards Zipper. I was reluctant to share for many reasons, but after BB assured me the information would go no further, I told BB why I felt the way I did about Zipper. The conversation ended with BB saying he hoped that Zipper was not guilty of some of the things I thought he was, but he now understood why I felt the way I do. I remember thinking how nice it was to have people to lean on.

A few weeks later, I received an e-mail from BB's wife (we'll call her Nancy). Nancy told me she had "done something that may or may not make [me] really mad at [her]." She had spoken to Zipper about the things I had told BB in confidence. She felt she needed to try and mend fences. Of course Zipper denied everything, and Nancy hoped that I would be able to just accept his word and we could all live happily ever after the end.

So many emotions followed, that I could not accurately catalog them here. At first, I was not angry, just stunned. See, I thought Nancy, bless her, was just being incredibly naive. While I did not spell this out above, suffice it to say things between Zipper and I had gone far beyond mending, and any simple denial on his part would never have been sufficient to convince me of his innocence in the face of my suspicions. I was surprised that Nancy couldn't see this.

A few hours later, I was hurt. I was hurt by what seemed to me was a betrayal of a confidence. As the days wore on, this feeling increased. I reread all of the correspondence from Nancy, and I was troubled by the absolute lack of the words "I'm sorry." They were no where. Her e-mails were full of defenses for her choice to divulge my confidence to Zipper, but no apologies for doing so.

Of course it wasn't long before Zipper weighed in with me, and I retaliated. Eventually Zipper's wife, Taboo, and my mom jumped in the fray, as they were peripherally involved all along. The mud was slung thick and fast.

And during all of this, nary a word from BB, in whom I had placed my confidence in the first place. So finally, I called him. So much of the damage had been done via e-mail, I thought we needed a direct conversation. I also thought maybe it was hard for him to reach out, seeing as how he was the one who ultimately had betrayed my trust. I asked him if he was aware of what was going on. I told him I was devastated by this betrayal. His response? "Nancy and I want to stay out of it."

That is all.

No apology for repeating something he promised not to repeat. Nothing even along the lines of "maybe I could have handled this differently" (which I find is a handy thing to say when I have to smooth things over, but don't feel an apology is in order).

Just, "[We] want to stay out of it."

Oh really? You want to stay out of it? Don't you mean NOW you want to stay out of it? NOW that you have disclosed something you promised would remain private you want to stay out of it? NOW that you have people waging war against one another, you want to stay out of it?

Oh. Okay.

And I remember THIS emotion quite clearly. It is called being PISSED OFF.

I have known this man since I was born, and although we have lived apart our entire lives, I thought the time we did spend together had a forged a bond. I loved him. I trusted him. I believed he was a good, solid man. I believed he was my friend. I have never so badly misjudged someone's character in my entire life.

I haven't spoken to BB, Nancy, Zipper or Taboo since that day. As far as I am concerned, everyone had ample opportunity to say all they had to say...and some stuff they probably shouldn't have. There is no point in continuing. Nothing can be resolved.

So why am I writing about this today, you ask?

Well, I thought only the players directly involved in this little drama knew about it. I purposely did NOT post this blog months ago, because despite my broken heartedness over it, I did not want anyone else to know. Despite my ill will towards Zipper, I had no intention of trashing him to others. I never have, and I never will. I confided in one person only, and I had no intention of trumpeting HIS betrayal to everyone either. It was between us, and it would remain between us.

But just this weekend I learned that this courtesy was not reciprocated. Apparently several others have been lobbied by Nancy's tall tales, which strangely enough paints her as the victim. Apparently, my little branch of the family is being vilified for not accepting Nancy's apology...an apology that was never tendered, by the way, but I guess that is besides the point. Not a single person has reached out and asked to hear our side of the story. They have basically said they don't care.

One would think that nothing could surprise me now, and yet it does. One would think my armor would be up, and that these people could no longer cause me pain, but yet they can. One would think that some people can't sink any lower, and yet they do.

Now it occurs to me that I could retaliate. First of all, I have saved all of the e-mail exchanges between Nancy and I. I could forward those to everyone so they could see for themselves that she never apologized. They would also see some of the things she said about others to me. I could go even further and disclose the things BB said on the phone to people who would have a vested interest in that information. I could tell Zipper some things he might be surprised to learn about others' involvement in things for which my family has taken the heat.

Oh I CAN do all of those things. But I won't. Even though I never expressly promised to keep BB's secrets between us like he did, I know when something is told to me in confidence. Besides, to reveal them would hurt other people I care about, and I would never want to do that on purpose, even under the guise of mending rifts. And I have seen Zipper's wrath first hand. I would never try to get back in his good graces (as if I could) by throwing someone else under the bus.

It might make me look better to all those people out there who are judging me when they don't have all of the facts, but it wouldn't make me look better to that reflection in the mirror, and at the end of the day, that is all you have. I guess I was wrong to depend on anyone BUT that girl in the mirror. Hard lessons, but well learned.