Christmas Presents

December 26th...a present in itself. I needed to come back to work to get a break. I have spent the last four days on my feet, running around, cooking, cleaning, etc. I am exhausted!

But still, it was a strange but wonderful Christmas.

Strange, because this was the first Christmas in my entire life that I haven't spent at least some time with my parents. They recently moved to the Midwest, and traveling west for Christmas was not an option. It was odd, not having them here, and there was a definite hole in the festivities, but I was grateful to know that this was not a permanent absence. It isn't as if they have died, and we will never spend Christmas together again. I know many people who are in that place, so it would be selfish of me to be too whiny over one little year. My grandfather was here, which helped. It still felt like my family was around me, but it wasn't the same.

Yet it was wonderful in it's own way.

My nearly two year old granddaughter was a complete joy. She was so fun with the presents...everything was a thrill for her, and consequently, us. She even got a thrill out of our presents. When CO opened his Guitar Hero III, she took one look at that guitar controller and said "Papa rocks!"

Uhm, he doesn't, by the way. We all pretty much suck at that game.

But his granddaughter thinks he does, and that is all that matters.

As for me, I got many fantastic gifts...a plane ticket to see my parents, money, thoughtful gifts from my boys. But the one I am especially thankful for, is the one I received from my in-laws. For the first time since the incident, they treated me as if it had never happened. I was warmly welcomed, and included, and...forgiven. That is a gift I feared I would never receive, and one I wondered if I even deserved. At any rate, it is the best gift they have ever given me, and I am thankful for it.

Now if we can only work through the issues that started the incident to begin with. Hmmm, maybe next year.

Oh, and I also got annual passes to the Happiest Place on Earth. Who couldn't love that?

I take it back. Papa does rock!

Tis the Season

...to be behind as usual.

I am not done shopping. I've barely started wrapping. My oven has not been turned on once for the baking of a single cookie.

I long for those wonderful childhood days when the holidays were nothing but fun. The gifts were shopped, wrapped and paid for by someone else. The food was bought, cooked and set out by someone else. The house was decorated and cleaned by someone else. All you had to do was show up, eat, open and play. And, you had two weeks off to boot! You didn't need it, of course, but you had it. Ahhh...the good old days!

Well since I can't go back, I must go forward, which leaves me no time to blog. So until December 26th or so, Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, and Wondrous Holiday of Choice to you all! May you find a bit of those carefree childhood days in the season.

As Discussed At Yesterday's Conference

I had to attend a conference yesterday to keep me apprised of all the changes in my profession from year to year. Anyway, this conversation quietly took place as the speaker droned on, and I had to share:

MM: "Speaker looks kind of crazy this year. Is his hair different?"

C: "I think so. He's got that Einstein thing going on the sides there."

MM: "What's with the comb over? Is that new?"

C: "For the sake of the conversation, let's say it is."

MM: "I think it is. I seriously don't remember it from last year. He must have a new girlfriend. That, or he is banging his assistant."

C: "He already mentioned his wife, and their plans to visit the grandkids at Christmas."

MM: "Well that doesn't rule out the assistant theory. His wife can't possibly like the comb over."

C: "No one does."

Our minds go a little crazy when left to their own devices for too long. But I do have to ask...what is the deal with the comb over? Seriously? What?

Do these men really think it looks good? Do they think we are fooled? Do they think we think they have a head full of hair, and not just one long strand wrapped around their head seven times? I just want to understand.

There is nothing wrong with bald, gentlemen. Seriously. There are some very hot men with shaved heads, so just embrace it. It is so much better...SO MUCH BETTER...than the comb over. I cannot stress this enough.

Stop with the comb over. Just. Stop.

A New Christmas Carol

It's the Christmas season, and I really do love this time of year. There is one thing, however, that is bad enough the rest of the year, and gets even worse at Christmas. What is it you ask? Oh, let me tell you in a song (language alert!):

Oh the traffic outside is frightful,
and to set fire to the jerk who just cut me off would be delightful,
but so since I've no flame to throw,
fucking go...fucking go...fucking go.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
and I've got no gun for popping.
You couldn't move any more slow,
fucking go...fucking go...fucking go.

When I finally get a green light,
how I hate trying to make through the swarm
but if you would just fucking drive right,
I'd get all the way home while dinner is still warm.

The traffic is never dying,
and I feel like I might start crying,
But you're still in front of me, so
I wish you'd fucking go...fucking go...fucking go.

Just fucking go...fucking go...fucking go.

Seriously already, GO! Stop talking on your cell phone, making your list and checking it twice, putting stamps on your Christmas cards, or whatever the hell it is that has your driving like an ass! JUST GO!

Musical Mixology

Welcome to another iTunes for Tuesday. In the spirit of the many holiday parties on tap for this week, my theme is...Musical Mixology. Name that cocktail!

1) If your "heater's broke" and your "so tired", and you "need some fuel to build a fire", what time is it again?

2) If you're "beggin' on my knees, baby won't you please run your fingers though my hair," what two drinks make you feel so fine? Whiskey and rye (Lori got it!)

3) If you "took off for a weekend last month just to try and recall the whole year," who did you run into, and what did you wind up drinkin' all night? You ran into a chum with a bottle of rum(Ken got this!)

4) If it's a "family tradition" to be "singin' all night long," what two things you love tried to kill you in 1973? Ladies and Jim Beam (Cullen got this!)

5) If you've got "friends in low places", what two drinks chase the blues away? Bonus question: what drink did you take from the guy with the fear in his eye? The whiskey drowns and the beer chases the blues away. The bonus question - the drink you took, was a glass of champaigne (Cullen got the main part of the question. I'm sure he knew the bonus question too, but he forgot to share.)

6) If you're "just a hired hand workin' on the dreams" you "planned to try," what "shot of courage" are you taking. Tequila Sunrise (Lori again!)

7) What drink makes you "feel so fine", and keeps you "rockin' all of the time"? Red Red Wine (Cullen again)

8) What do you drink during "those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer?" Soda and pretzels & BEER (Ken again)

9) If "the other night" you "laid sleeping" and then "woke from a terrible dream" what two "pals" did you catch up with? Jack Daniels and his partner Jimmy Beam (Ken)

10) If you "took all of his money" and you "brought it home to Molly," what is in the jar? There's whisky in the jar-o (Cullen)

Bonus Question: The ultimate drinking song: "Gonna get drunk don't you have no fear" what three drinks do I want? I want one bourbon, one scotch and one beer (Ken)

Feel free to enjoy one of these beverages...or add your own question!

Simple Gestures

On Saturday CO and I were out Christmas shopping, and stopped to get some lunch. The restaurant was crowded, so we had to wait for a seat. We were having a successful day, and I was feeling cheerful and festive.

While we waited, a woman in her early thirties came in with an elderly woman and a baby. They sat near us while waiting for their own table. I heard the woman call the older lady "grandma", and I watched as the older woman played with the baby, obviously her great-granddaughter.

My own grandma passed away nearly three years ago. Although she had been ill for many years, her life wasn't immediately threatened, and her death was a bit of a surprise. While there is never a good time for these things, this happened very late in January, and for those of you who know my profession, you realize the timing was really, really bad.

I was very close to my grandma. She adored me. I was her only grandchild, and I rarely did anything wrong, as far as she was concerned. While I know (believe me, I KNOW) I am not perfect, it was nice to have someone around who thought I was. The rest of my family, they love me, of course, but they are a little more realistic about my, uhm, perfection status.

Anyway, she adored me, and I adored her. I don't know how other people saw her. I know she could be picky and demanding and a challenge to deal with...for other people. But not as much for me. I think I saw a side of her few others ever saw. If others saw her as frugal, where I was concerned, she was unfailingly generous with both time and money. If others saw her as cool or distant, with me she was nothing but warmth and love. If others saw her as difficult to please, well, I had very little problem with this. I already mentioned the perfection, didn't I? From my perspective, she was the best grandma anyone ever had.

Her loss was terribly difficult for me. But I had to hold up for my mom, and my grandpa. Although they were doing remarkably well themselves, I felt like I had to hold up for them, or with them, or something. Likewise for my boys. Although she was not their biological great-grandmother, she loved them as if she were, and she did more for them than others with those biological ties*. Also, they had very little experience with death at this point, so I felt I had to hold up for them as well.

So I kept it in. All that emotion. All that loss. I kept it in. I planned to find my own quiet alone time once we got back home, when I could let it all out.

But I got home, and work got crazy, and I just didn't have time for all of that. To make matters worse, CO and I were having some marital problems during that period, and I was having a to keep all of those emotions in check too, so I could get some work done. Whenever a hint of an emotion threatened, I could almost visualize myself stuffing it all in a little box, turning a small gold key in a lock, and packing the box away beneath bigger, heavier boxes that needed more urgent attention.

I figured I would face it eventually, when things calmed down. Which, of course, they did. April came, and work eased up, and CO and I went to a marriage counselor, and we all came out the other side.

That May I went to see my grandma's grave. I expected that to be the time when the emotions finally came. But they didn't. It felt too disconnected. That cold headstone had my grandma's name on it, sure, but it had nothing to do with her. She wasn't there. And I had gotten so good at packing that box, it was easy to do it once again. And again. And again.

Her birthday, the first holiday season without her, the anniversary of her death. These were all difficult days, but still the flood of emotions I was expecting never came, and somewhere along the way, I had stopped expecting them.

If I let myself think about it too much, I thought I had failed her somehow. What kind of a testament to her, to my love for her, to my relationship with her, was all this stoicism? But regardless, stoic I stayed.

Then, nearly three years later, CO and I are innocently waiting for a table, and in walks this woman with her grandma and her daughter, and I am watching them interact. It was lovely to see them together, and feel the warmth of family and the holiday season. It made me smile.

Then the woman reached out and took her grandmother's hand. Such a simple, beautiful gesture. And I began to cry. Right in the middle of the restaurant, completely unexpectedly, I began to cry.

CO looked over, astonished, and before he could ask what was wrong, I held up my hand and said "Don't ask me now." I couldn't speak. I could barely breathe.

That box...the one that had been under lock and key for nearly three years...the one I was saving for a quiet, alone time, had inexplicably sprung open by the witnessing of a simple gesture between two total strangers.

This will be our third Christmas without her, and suddenly I missed her so much, I couldn't stand it. I thought of how much she joy she would have had in my little granddaughter, who will never know her, and the remarkable woman she was. I thought about the fact that I will never again reach out and take her hand. And for several long, painful moments, I fought to compose myself in the middle of the restaurant.

I got it together, and CO continued our day in relatively high spirits, but I am still fighting a residual sadness that I had not allowed myself to feel before. A sadness I never expected this late in the game. A sadness I thought I had conquered already. A sadness that, I guess, will never really go away, and can spring up at the most unexpected times, for the most unexpected reasons.

I guess simple gestures are never all that simple.


(*In case anyone is keeping score, this is not a slam at my in-laws in any way, but at the boys' maternal grandparents. Thought I better throw that out there, just in case. You never know.)

The Surprise 25...or Another Music Post

But this one is not a guess the lyrics or trivia thing. It was just a strange realization thing.

My iPod has this "smart playlist" feature that tells you the 25 most played songs on your iPod. I have had my iPod for almost a year, and had never looked at that playlist before, but something possessed me to open it the other day.

I was truly surprised by some of the songs that showed up there. If you asked me, I probably would not have included most of these songs in a list of my favorites. It was strange to realize I listened to them that much.

The list (in order):

1) Don't Worry Baby, The Beach Boys
2) Neon Moon, Brooks and Dunn
3) Chantilly Lace, Big Bopper
4) Wave on Wave, Pat Green
5) Nights on Broadway, Bee Gees
6) Remember When, Alan Jackson
7) Carefree Highway, Gordon Lightfoot
8) Weekend in New England, Barry Manilow
9) You Needed Me, Anne Murray
10) Nine Tonight, Bob Seger
11) Baby-I'm-A Want You, Bread
12) If I Should Fall Behind, Bruce Springsteen
13) All Through the Night, Cyndi Lauper
14) I Don't Need You, Kenny Rogers
15) Young and Innocent, Elefante
16) Johnny B. Goode, Chuck Berry
17) All My Little Words, The Magnetic Fields
18) Only the Good Die Young, Billy Joel
19) Better Days, Bruce Springsteen
20) Tiny Dancer, Elton John
21) Suspicious Minds, Elvis Presley
22) Do You Wanna Touch Me?, Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
23) If You Know What I Mean, Neil Diamond
24) Rave On, Buddy Holly
25) Time of the Season, The Zombies

So there it is. I find it strange to look upon. And I wonder, what does this list say about me?

If you were to ask me, I'd tell you I am not a country music fan. I truly believe this to be true. Yet there are 5 country songs on this list...including numbers 2, 4 and 6. I am telling you, I am shocked by this revelation!

Also, there is way more "easy listening" type stuff than I would ever admit to listening to in real life. My only explanation is that I listen to my iPod primarily at work, a place where I often need to chill.

I am not surprised to find that only two songs on the list are from the last decade. I like the old stuff. 5 or 6 of these songs were released before I was even born. Many are form the 70's, which is my favorite musical decade. A few are from my high school years, and bring back all those memories. Speaking of memories...7 of these remind me of CO...and 1 is even our wedding song. 1 song reminds me of my parents.

I am surprised there are no songs that remind me of my college years on here. I look back on that period of my life, and the music that reminds me of it, with tremendous fondness. I would have expected to see something of that here.

I am also a little curious as to why 1 song that reminds me of an ex-boyfriend is on here? I don't recall thinking of him overly much in the last year. It must be subliminal. I won't share that part with CO ;)

So what is on your most played list? Are they your favorites, or were you equally surprised?

iTunes Tuesday - Who's that Girl?

Back on track. Don't expect it to last. Here are today's plays. I am going with another theme this week...girl's names in songs. This theme can last for weeks I'm sure.

So, uhm, who's that girl?

1) You knew her when she had no one to talk to. Now she's moving in high society, you say, "don't forget, I know secrets about you." Who's that girl that left you hanging on the line? No one got this one...the answer is Baby Jane

2) You went to a dance. looking for romance. Who's the girl you saw that you thought you'd take a chance on? Barbara Ann (Joel)

3) You want her to ask her ma-ama if she can come out with her red dress on. Who is that girl that looks so fine? Sherry (Nightfly)

4) You aren't like the others before, even though you saw her name and number on the wall. Who's that girl who that makes you so happy? Bonus question: What is her number? Jenny...Bonus question: 867-5309 (Joel)

5) Good times never seemed so good. Who is that sweet girl? Caroline (Joel)

6) She rings like a bell through the night. Wouldn't you love to love who? Rhiannon (Nightfly)

7) She's got baby hair with a woman's eyes. Who can you feel watching in the night? Sara (Nightfly...who was quite right. This is NOT the same girl with storms brewing in her eyes, NOR is this the same girl who was the poet in my heart)

8) You should have known it from the very start. This girl will leave you with a broken heart. Who should you keep away from? Runaround Sue (Joel)

9) She's says that she''ll be true. Who will never leave you blue? Suzie Q (Ken)

10) You met her in a bar in Toledo, across from the depot. Who was that beauty? Lucille (Joel...and my lovely friend Alice, who was too shy to comment, but instant messaged me instead. Since when are YOU TOO SHY?)

Ken also claimed to know several of these, but as he was kind enough to leave them for others to guess, we have no proof. With his impressive muscial knowledge, I'm buying what he's selling!

Feel free to post some of your own! There must be TONS!

Dreaming of the Dead

This morning I read this beautiful post, (please read it...it is wonderfully touching) and I was struck with a memory.

The writer above had a dream about a loved one who had died. She wondered at the time, and in her post, if the dead could visit us in our sleep. She was told they couldn't, but doesn't believe that is true. Neither do I.

In March of 1993, a friend of mine committed suicide. I had once been very close to him, seeing him every day, and spending huge amounts of my free time with him. But as life took us down our variant and divergent paths...I left for college, he stayed...we inevitably drifted into separateness. Of course that never diminished my feeling for, or memories of him.

I remember clearly. My mom called me at work, and asked if I was sitting down. She gave me the news that the night before, distraught over a failed relationship, and God knows what else, he shot himself in the head in his car, in the driveway of his former girlfriend's home.

This was not my first experience with death, or even suicide, as another high school classmate of mine had taken his own life at the age of fifteen. But I had known that individual only peripherally. In other words, I hadn't really known him. Not like this friend, with whom I had shared so many hours, and stories, and experiences, and memories. Not like this friend whom I had loved. So while this was not my first experience with this terrible thing, it felt like it was. I had no earthly idea how to understand or accept what had happened.

For days I walked around in a fog of confusion. After the funeral, I resumed my "normal" life, only to find that what had been normal, would never be quite the same again. Each new loss is a pain you carry with you, and while you learn to laugh again, the pain is always there somewhere...a part of you now. And this one was especially sharp...one of the "special gifts" of a suicide related death.

When someone elderly dies, you can be grateful for the long life they have had, and the accomplishments they have made. While the loss is still difficult, there is understanding and acceptance. Often, when they have been ill, there is even relief that their suffering has ended, and you can turn your memory back to a time when they were healthy and vital. When a young person dies, it is difficult to feel any gratitude.

Especially when it was was a perfectly healthy person who selfishly and deliberately took his own life.

Another "special gift" of the suicide related death...anger. And guilt. And anger again. Of course a person may experience some of this with any death, but not to the same degree.

There is not a more terrible thing you can do to the people who love you, than take your own life. The anger that I felt for my once dear friend during the days after his death, as I watched his parents suffer horribly, was surprising to me. I hadn't known to expect it.

Then I felt the guilt kick in. He was obviously in pain. He wasn't thinking clearly. It wasn't his fault.

And then the anger was back. If it wasn't his fault, then whose was it? Not the ex-girlfriend. Granted, I was not her biggest fan, but she was unhappy in their relationship, and she should have been allowed to end it...without that consequence. No one deserves that. The punishment simply did not fit the crime.

And then the guilt again. If I had only been a better friend, stayed in touch like I should have, I could have made him see that his pain was temporary. I could have helped him. His other friends could have helped him. His parents could have helped him.

And then the anger once more. Why didn't he let someone help him? Why?

The part that makes you most angry...you will never know the answer to that single, solitary and oh, so important question. WHY? The only person with the answer, took it with them. And that is the most selfish thing of all...leaving everyone to wonder why.

So I wrestled with this roller coaster of emotions for a few months. I made a few visits to a therapist. I talked with others who knew him, and were experiencing similar things. Nothing really helped.

Then one night, I had a dream. After his funeral, a bunch of his friends had gone out to dinner together. It was far from a celebration of his life, more just an unwillingness to be alone with our thoughts and fears and feelings. But in the dream, we were back at that dinner, and this time, it was more celebratory. This time our friend was there with us. We shared memories and told stories, as it had once been in life. We laughed and drank and enjoyed our time together. There was no saddness...maybe just a bit of melencholy.

Then, at the end of the dinner, my friend, who was sitting next to me, touched my arm. I could actually feel the pressure and warmth of his hand. He looked me in the eye, smiled and said, "I have to go."

"Wait!" I said, and tired to pull him back. "Stay. We're not finished here."

"I am finished, and I have to go," he insisted.

"But, why?" I asked the question I had longed to ask.

He never answered it. He just gave me his familiar smile and said, "I'm going to be alright. This is the way it is supposed to be." And he left.

I woke up in tears, but feeling more at peace than I had since my phone rang that fateful March day. I know he never told me why, but he told me something. It was as if he knew how much I was struggling, and he found a way to come back and tell me to let it go...to let him go.

This is the way it was supposed to be. He was going to be alright.

I have believed that every second of every day since the dream. This is the way it was supposed to be. He was going to be alright. The pain, anger and guilt have diminished to only the residual pieces, that will remain a part of who I am until I, too, cease to be. I can certainly touch them, on occasions such as this, but they no longer rule my life.

While I accept the possibility that this was simply my subconscious working things out, I have never stopped believing that he really did visit me, to bring me peace. I could never bring myself to share this story with his parents. I only hope he visited them as well.

I have since known two people who have taken their own lives...one was my friend's brother, whom I had known since he was a toddler, and another was a co-worker. On both occasions, I reminded myself of what my dear friend told me in the dream.

Even though it makes no sense, and I will never understand why, this is the way it was supposed to be. They were going to be alright. I must believe it's true.