Is it hypocritical to judge someone for being judgmental?
Just wondering.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thanks
Thanks everyone for both the kind sympathy, and the birthday wishes of last week. I truly appreciate the camaraderie and support you all unfailingly provide. You're awesome!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
More Heartache
My cousin committed suicide last night. He was 46.
This is not my first experience with suicide...unfortunately. One of my best friends from high school, the brother of my oldest childhood friend, and a co-worker have all taken this same road.
This kind of a death is so unique. There is the grief, of course, but it is accompanied by the warring emotions guilt and anger.
It is the most completely selfish, and irrevocable choice a person could ever make. Does a person at this place in their life ever think about those they will leave behind to bear this devastation? Do they ever think of the person who will find them, and the images that will thereafter haunt them for life? Or are they simply so absorbed in their own pain that it becomes more important than anyone else's pain?
Then I remind myself that someone who would do this, they are in a very dark place...a place, thankfully, I have never been. They are unwell, both mentally and emotionally, and they don't know how to get the help they need. They don't even think they can be helped. But they can. Of course they can. Things suck sometimes, but they always get better, too. But someone in this dark place cannot fathom it.
And, then there is the waste. I have lost three people I have cared about in the last 7 months that would have done anything to stay longer. And here is someone I cared about willing to throw it all away. It is incredibly unfair.
Still, I will remember him laughing. I guess, like many, I didn't see the dark side of him. He was incredibly fun to be around.
I will miss you, WRL. I will miss you, and I am so very sorry you felt this was your only option. I hope you have finally found some peace, because the price you paid, and everyone paid, was very, very high.
I know his sister-in-law reads this blog, so to her, his wife, his brothers and sister, his nieces and nephews and his in-laws, I hope you find some peace too. I am very, very sorry.
This is not my first experience with suicide...unfortunately. One of my best friends from high school, the brother of my oldest childhood friend, and a co-worker have all taken this same road.
This kind of a death is so unique. There is the grief, of course, but it is accompanied by the warring emotions guilt and anger.
It is the most completely selfish, and irrevocable choice a person could ever make. Does a person at this place in their life ever think about those they will leave behind to bear this devastation? Do they ever think of the person who will find them, and the images that will thereafter haunt them for life? Or are they simply so absorbed in their own pain that it becomes more important than anyone else's pain?
Then I remind myself that someone who would do this, they are in a very dark place...a place, thankfully, I have never been. They are unwell, both mentally and emotionally, and they don't know how to get the help they need. They don't even think they can be helped. But they can. Of course they can. Things suck sometimes, but they always get better, too. But someone in this dark place cannot fathom it.
And, then there is the waste. I have lost three people I have cared about in the last 7 months that would have done anything to stay longer. And here is someone I cared about willing to throw it all away. It is incredibly unfair.
Still, I will remember him laughing. I guess, like many, I didn't see the dark side of him. He was incredibly fun to be around.
I will miss you, WRL. I will miss you, and I am so very sorry you felt this was your only option. I hope you have finally found some peace, because the price you paid, and everyone paid, was very, very high.
I know his sister-in-law reads this blog, so to her, his wife, his brothers and sister, his nieces and nephews and his in-laws, I hope you find some peace too. I am very, very sorry.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Lordy Lordy Here Comes 40
I turned 40 today. Birthdays ending in zeros tend to inspire some navel gazing, even with the most positive of attitudes. The good news is, I am quite satisfied with my life at 40. I have learned some amazing things in my first 40 years.
First, I am facing this milestone with some appreciation rather than trepidation, because I am one of the lucky ones. I GET to turn 40. Unfortunate events like this and this have taught me that not everyone is so blessed.
Next, I have a wonderful husband in CO. Few people are as fortunate to have intimacy and friendship, trust and respect, love and support all wrapped up in the same person. My CO is hard to get to know, and many don't understand him, but I know who he is, and he is a good man. He teaches me every day that is it much better to be rich in love than material goods.
I also have three step sons whom I cherish. At 40 I realize that I am never likely to experience motherhood in the traditional way, and most certainly I have missed something. For many the sense of loss accompanying this void is a constant, acute pain, but thanks to these amazing boys this has eased to a dull ache for me, such that some days I don't even notice it, and most days no one else does. While I know I am not their mother, I also know they love me. They have taught me many lessons, not the least of which is that while you can't always get what you want, sometimes you get what you need.
Even things with Yute are better these days, which is a gift for which I dared not hope. Yet here it is...which teaches me to never give up on the really important stuff.
Of course I cannot mention the boys without mentioning the greatest gifts they have given me. While the four little bundles of joy known as Puddin' Pop, HiC, Punkin' Pie and Peanut were not exactly heralded with singular joy, coming as they did with so much worry, I adore each and every one of them. They are truly little miracles, and I couldn't love them more if they had been planned under the best of circumstances. They have taught me that even when things seem their worst, there is always a silver lining.
I am also extremely lucky to have wonderful parents, who taught me to be strong and independent. I couldn't possibly cover all of the lessons they have taught me over the last 40 years. They have been, and continue to be great examples to me. They have suffered over the last year an a half, but despite all this, they are staying positive. They are now embarking on a new course...one quite different from what they had planned. So the most recent thing I have learned from them is that even the best laid plans can go awry, but keep your chin up and believe there is a reason for everything. Sometimes you just have to go with it.
And even luckier still...at 40 I still have a living grandparent, who is still living on his own, unassisted, and in good health. A short time after I was born, he lost his hand in an industrial accident. This was 40 years ago, long before workers' comp and AD&D insurance; long before huge legal settlements were handed out like candy to people who burned their tongues on hot coffee. Yet, it barely slowed him down. I don't think in 40 years I have heard him say, "I can't" simply because of his hand. Four years ago he lost his wife of over 50 years, my beloved grandma, and this was just one more trial he faced with uncommon grace. He has taught me that bitterness has no place in life. Whatever life hands you, rock on.
In addition to all of these wonderful people, I have terrific friends. I still talk regularly with my best friends from elementary school, junior high, high school and college, not to mention some true blue friends from my adult life. These folks have been with me through thick and thin, and although we may not speak every day, or sometimes for months at a time, I know that if I truly need them, they would be there. They have taught me many things too, not the least of which is how to laugh at myself.
I cannot forget to mention my three four-legged children...my wonderful dogs. no one loves me as unconditionally as they do. I have learned form them that to truly be the best person you can be, you should try to be more like your dog.
Lastly, I am gainfully employed, and actually met the career goals I had set for myself to reach by 40. In this crappy economy, that is more than I could hope for. My career teaches me daily that there is always more to learn.
So there it is, the lessons I have learned in my first 40 years. I can't imagine what the next 40 years will bring. But no matter what happens next, life's been good to me so far, and I couldn't have asked for more.
First, I am facing this milestone with some appreciation rather than trepidation, because I am one of the lucky ones. I GET to turn 40. Unfortunate events like this and this have taught me that not everyone is so blessed.
Next, I have a wonderful husband in CO. Few people are as fortunate to have intimacy and friendship, trust and respect, love and support all wrapped up in the same person. My CO is hard to get to know, and many don't understand him, but I know who he is, and he is a good man. He teaches me every day that is it much better to be rich in love than material goods.
I also have three step sons whom I cherish. At 40 I realize that I am never likely to experience motherhood in the traditional way, and most certainly I have missed something. For many the sense of loss accompanying this void is a constant, acute pain, but thanks to these amazing boys this has eased to a dull ache for me, such that some days I don't even notice it, and most days no one else does. While I know I am not their mother, I also know they love me. They have taught me many lessons, not the least of which is that while you can't always get what you want, sometimes you get what you need.
Even things with Yute are better these days, which is a gift for which I dared not hope. Yet here it is...which teaches me to never give up on the really important stuff.
Of course I cannot mention the boys without mentioning the greatest gifts they have given me. While the four little bundles of joy known as Puddin' Pop, HiC, Punkin' Pie and Peanut were not exactly heralded with singular joy, coming as they did with so much worry, I adore each and every one of them. They are truly little miracles, and I couldn't love them more if they had been planned under the best of circumstances. They have taught me that even when things seem their worst, there is always a silver lining.
I am also extremely lucky to have wonderful parents, who taught me to be strong and independent. I couldn't possibly cover all of the lessons they have taught me over the last 40 years. They have been, and continue to be great examples to me. They have suffered over the last year an a half, but despite all this, they are staying positive. They are now embarking on a new course...one quite different from what they had planned. So the most recent thing I have learned from them is that even the best laid plans can go awry, but keep your chin up and believe there is a reason for everything. Sometimes you just have to go with it.
And even luckier still...at 40 I still have a living grandparent, who is still living on his own, unassisted, and in good health. A short time after I was born, he lost his hand in an industrial accident. This was 40 years ago, long before workers' comp and AD&D insurance; long before huge legal settlements were handed out like candy to people who burned their tongues on hot coffee. Yet, it barely slowed him down. I don't think in 40 years I have heard him say, "I can't" simply because of his hand. Four years ago he lost his wife of over 50 years, my beloved grandma, and this was just one more trial he faced with uncommon grace. He has taught me that bitterness has no place in life. Whatever life hands you, rock on.
In addition to all of these wonderful people, I have terrific friends. I still talk regularly with my best friends from elementary school, junior high, high school and college, not to mention some true blue friends from my adult life. These folks have been with me through thick and thin, and although we may not speak every day, or sometimes for months at a time, I know that if I truly need them, they would be there. They have taught me many things too, not the least of which is how to laugh at myself.
I cannot forget to mention my three four-legged children...my wonderful dogs. no one loves me as unconditionally as they do. I have learned form them that to truly be the best person you can be, you should try to be more like your dog.
Lastly, I am gainfully employed, and actually met the career goals I had set for myself to reach by 40. In this crappy economy, that is more than I could hope for. My career teaches me daily that there is always more to learn.
So there it is, the lessons I have learned in my first 40 years. I can't imagine what the next 40 years will bring. But no matter what happens next, life's been good to me so far, and I couldn't have asked for more.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Oh Boy!
Our new grandson was born today. He was two weeks early, but healthy and he and mom are doing great.
I've got no pictures yet, as I am leaving to see him in just a few minutes.
Still, I wanted to formally welcome him to the world here, because as we all know, if a tree falls in the forest, and no one blogs about it, it didn't make a sound.
Or something like that.
I've got no pictures yet, as I am leaving to see him in just a few minutes.
Still, I wanted to formally welcome him to the world here, because as we all know, if a tree falls in the forest, and no one blogs about it, it didn't make a sound.
Or something like that.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Of Contractors and Conspiracy Theories
On June 20th, our evaporative cooler had a meltdown, and flooded our kitchen. Yes I said evaporative cooler...also known as a "swamp" cooler. Our house was built in 1949, and is still, 60 years later, not vented for A/C. Honestly, the cooler works fine most of the time...except when it doesn't. We lost one wall and a third of the ceiling in the kitchen, but not the hardwood floor (miraculously).
It is now July 6, and we still have no wall, no ceiling and no cooling machine. Just try to get a contractor to respond to you in anything resembling a timely manner. Go ahead...I'll wait. I'm getting very proficient at it. Stupid me. Here I thought the industry was slow, and that contractors were desperate for work right now. Apparently not. Some don't even return phone calls. Some come out and decide the job is to small for them or whatever, and never send you the quote they promised, or even return phone calls. Some come out, give a quote, then go on vacation for a few weeks, during which time they don't even return phone calls.
Okay, I sort of get this last one, because I don't like to return calls while on vacation either, but still I'd like to know when they can get to the work. I mean an estimate? A ballpark? Something? Of course that would entail the insurance company calling me back as well, and I'm sure you can guess the likelihood of that happening.
To add insult to injury, we decided to spend part of our three-day weekend doing some minor, MINOR home repairs, like switching out the tub and shower knobs, spouts, and whatchamacallits (I am very technical when it comes to these kind of things, so try to keep up). In the process of shopping for these items, we spied a new bathroom sink faucet that we really loved and decided to buy. Of course it was brushed nickel and everything else in the bathroom was chrome, so the shopping spree began. Unfortunately, in the process of changing the pipe that goes from the shower head to the major plumbing behind the wall from chrome to brushed nickel, we encountered a set back. The damn thing snapped like a dry twig...behind the wall. Way behind. The really bad kind of behind.
And so minor repairs have turned into major ones. In addition to the holes in the kitchen, we now have holes in the bathroom. Uhm, so does this make us holy? After the profanities I have uttered over all of this, I'm thinking no. If I had known that damn sink faucet was going to end up costing several thousand dollars payable to the general contractor You Fuck It Up, We Fix It (who won't even return phone calls), I would have happily lived with the old one, which wasn't even broken to start with!
So my question to you is...why? Why oh why are we suffering this home repair karma? Is this some master plan to keep a contractor employed for one more week? Or maybe it is a scheme concocted by the state assembly to syphon more sales tax dollars into the California budget? Or maybe Verizon Wireless wants me to use up all of my minutes calling and recalling a bunch of people who won't even return my phone calls, so they can charge me a premium rate when I have to, at last, call a shrink. For all I know, the shrink may even be in on it! Or even the makers of Prozac!
It's a conspiracy, I tell you! A conspiracy!
I need a drink. And some Prozac.
It is now July 6, and we still have no wall, no ceiling and no cooling machine. Just try to get a contractor to respond to you in anything resembling a timely manner. Go ahead...I'll wait. I'm getting very proficient at it. Stupid me. Here I thought the industry was slow, and that contractors were desperate for work right now. Apparently not. Some don't even return phone calls. Some come out and decide the job is to small for them or whatever, and never send you the quote they promised, or even return phone calls. Some come out, give a quote, then go on vacation for a few weeks, during which time they don't even return phone calls.
Okay, I sort of get this last one, because I don't like to return calls while on vacation either, but still I'd like to know when they can get to the work. I mean an estimate? A ballpark? Something? Of course that would entail the insurance company calling me back as well, and I'm sure you can guess the likelihood of that happening.
To add insult to injury, we decided to spend part of our three-day weekend doing some minor, MINOR home repairs, like switching out the tub and shower knobs, spouts, and whatchamacallits (I am very technical when it comes to these kind of things, so try to keep up). In the process of shopping for these items, we spied a new bathroom sink faucet that we really loved and decided to buy. Of course it was brushed nickel and everything else in the bathroom was chrome, so the shopping spree began. Unfortunately, in the process of changing the pipe that goes from the shower head to the major plumbing behind the wall from chrome to brushed nickel, we encountered a set back. The damn thing snapped like a dry twig...behind the wall. Way behind. The really bad kind of behind.
And so minor repairs have turned into major ones. In addition to the holes in the kitchen, we now have holes in the bathroom. Uhm, so does this make us holy? After the profanities I have uttered over all of this, I'm thinking no. If I had known that damn sink faucet was going to end up costing several thousand dollars payable to the general contractor You Fuck It Up, We Fix It (who won't even return phone calls), I would have happily lived with the old one, which wasn't even broken to start with!
So my question to you is...why? Why oh why are we suffering this home repair karma? Is this some master plan to keep a contractor employed for one more week? Or maybe it is a scheme concocted by the state assembly to syphon more sales tax dollars into the California budget? Or maybe Verizon Wireless wants me to use up all of my minutes calling and recalling a bunch of people who won't even return my phone calls, so they can charge me a premium rate when I have to, at last, call a shrink. For all I know, the shrink may even be in on it! Or even the makers of Prozac!
It's a conspiracy, I tell you! A conspiracy!
I need a drink. And some Prozac.
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