I need some help here, people.
I have been lucky in my life to do very few things for which I feel guilty. It's not that I have been perfect...far from it. I think it is more that I am the queen of justification. Either way, I have not had much experience with guilt.
Of course, I did things as a younger person, which I now look back on and regret, but it seems a bit late for guilt, and at the time, being a young person, I was too stupid to know I should feel bad.
But now, I am experiencing some real, heartfelt, guilt, and even though some of my actions were justifiable, I can't justify them all, and I can't shake the guilt.
It plagues me. I rarely sleep through a night without it's presence, and whenever I am alone and left to my own thoughts, it invariably creeps in to keep me company.
So my question is...HOW do I get rid of it?
Oh, I know the party line...you must apologize for what you've done. Way ahead of you, peeps! I have apologized ad nauseum! The guilt is still there.
So what...WHAT do I do to get rid of the guilt? I know some of you are avid church- goers...certainly you have some insight into this dilemma? I was raised Catholic, and Lord knows the Catholics can do guilt, but I got over that Catholic guilt thing a long time ago, so I think I lost the lesson somewhere along the line.
Anyway...Help!
As an aside, this guilt thing leads me to wonder how on earth people do the things they do, and live with themselves? How do people commit crimes, or adultery, or just act like complete and total assholes all the time with no remorse whatsoever? My sin is nothing compared to this stuff, and I can;t stand the guilt. How do they live with it?
10 comments:
Wow, I had almost this exact conversation with Lori last week. I have diagnosed myself with neurotic guilt. :)
I guess what has helped me in the past, when I feel I have done something to feel guilty about to someone, is the fact that I have apologized then they accept the apology and we move on. I don't think you have got to move on.
You know, we all screw up in life. Even "those people" and if they can't be big enough to move on then I don't think you really need them in your life. I know you probably HAVE to have them in your life but perhaps it is time you get on the "indifference train". That is what Lori and I call the train we ride on.
I hate it when I hurt people's feelings. I beat myself up terribly for days. It is awful so I do honestly feel for you.
The Indiffernce Train. I like it. I need to figure out how to climb aboard.
I know guilt is a good thing...it means I have a conscience. It means I am not a total asshole, but just do assy things now and then...like everybody else.
But enough is enough. There is nothing more I can do, and yet I cannot get past it. When I try not to care, or to even generate some of my own righteous indignation, I feel guilty for feeling that way. Arggggg!
So why were you and Lori having this conversation? It is none of my business, of course, and I don't really want you to tell me, but I HOPE it isn't over a certain person's spouse, because HE does not deserve your guilt. None of that was your doing.
Just sayin'.
No, I am not feeling guilty over that person. Thank BUD!! I had to deal with that a year ago when I felt the need to say my peace.
It is just in general how I feel if I insert my foot into my mouth. Which I think I do all the time. Usually after I have been drinking too.
For example: We have these neighbors, Don and Virginia. He is black and she is white. We were all bitching about these other neighbors not taking care of their yard. I said, "Let's burn a cross in their yard." Viginia said, "Wrong RACE!" But she was laughing and they both thought it was funny but I was mortified.
That is just one example of how I usually put my foot in my mouth.
The indifference train is sometimes hard to climb aboard.
I imagine when you think back about what happened you will always have a tinge of guilt but time heals and it will get better.
You just have to remember this was just one bad thing. You are not a bad person as a whole.
Love you!
Thank goodness you are over HIM anyway.
And thanks for thinking I'm not a bad person as a whole. I always liked to think so, but things like this make me question everything about myself. About two years ago, one of my co-workers told me I was "territorial," and I obessed forever...in fact I still obsess over that now and then.
I'm sure you are right...that with time, this too shall pass.
Love you too!
Oh, and Julie, you are a good person, too. We all have those foot-in-mouth moments.
Maggie, I think I'm one of the "church-goers" you referenced, and it's still something I wrestle with.
Heck, I sometimes feel guilty over things that I intellectually realize are not my fault and that I should not feel guilty about.
I find the two things that help me are
(a) Time (if it's some kind of shortlived event). As the memory fades, so do the bad feelings
or
(b) doing something somewhere else in my life that I can be proud of. (And I am sure you have those things).
I don't know. I kind of wish I could get on the "indifference train" but sometimes I think my excessive "caring" is part of what makes me ME and also maybe is part of why the people who like me, like me. (And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize people liking me; I was so unpopular as a child that I'm now terrified of hurting or offending anyone, lest they decide not to be my friend - just like when I was a kid.)
Oh, and Maggie - to answer your last question:
I think, in some cases at least, people who do "big bad stuff," DON'T feel "normal" guilt - or they are very good at justifying and convincing themselves that it was OK - and that's why they're not eaten up by it. (At least at first).
Let me tell ya Maggie and Ricki... the indifference train is very hard to catch at times! Julie and I are really pretty lucky that we have each other to vent to regularly and to encourage to hop aboard. We have known each other since we were 5 and have similar lifestyles and backgrounds (and the same family!) so we can show our worst sides to each other without fear of judgement. I am lucky to have her as my friend!
I am not religious now, but I was raised that way. Although I do have a lot of issues with religion as a whole, I agree with the basic principles, like giving children a sense of responsibility for their actions. A sense of right and wrong. And since we cannot always do the right thing a degree of guilt is a healthy thing. Some people have none of that.
I too tend to dwell on things I've done that I am not proud of. Whether it's as simple as talking badly about someone or truly hurting someone's feelings. I think it's because we are basically good people and in a way we have let ourselves down too.
I am sure that it would help if the person you offended would "get over it" and truly accept your apology. But since we can't control others, all you can do is forgive yourself - let yourself off the hook. Then every time it rears it's ugly head, tell yourself that you are over it and now enjoying the comforting lull of the indifference train chugging down the tracks with people that love you!
You do ask big questions, Maggie. =)
One thing that may help is not just to ask, "how do I rid myself of it," but "how do I use it? How do I work through it?" Guilt can be strong medicine: sickening to force down but helpful once we digest it.
Chronic guilt is difficult. Usually it stems from a half-truth: feeling unworthy before God without also knowing that one is forgiven. The Prodigal Son is the prime example everyone would recognize. It's not so much that we've done bad things, but that we're the type of person who does bad things. It often helps to realize that this isn't permanent, that the possibility exists of being forgiven and healed, of pleasing God despite it all.
Now, that's a church-going answer (as befits a good Catholic boy) and no doubt it leaves some people as cold as it once left me. I dig it - but I also can't help it. My guilt helped drive me into depression, so badly that I could not hold work. The cold answer was hardly worse than slowly freezing to death from the inside out. Just realizing that guilt didn't have the final say gave me back my hope.
And another step I took, once I got back my hope, was already suggested by Ricki - do something directly opposed to that guilt, something good for someone else. Try to keep it a secret, so you know you're not doing it to show off. We all need to see that sometimes we're also the kind of person who does good things selflessly.
Ricki, Lori, Nightfly...thanks so much for that input!
It also helps to know that I'm not alone in the experience, and that you all are out there somewhere!
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