Idol Chit Chat...Top 5

Neil Diamond night! I have been waiting for this since they announced that Mr. Diamond would be a mentor in early March...AND they are singing TWO songs each! 10 Neil Diamond songs! I might pee my pants.

First up is Jason singing Forever in Blue Jeans. It wasn't hideous. He has that chill, beach-bar-band vibe about him, and I would love to sit on a deck, over-looking the ocean somewhere, drinking a margarita and eating some crab legs while listening to him sing, but I just don't get him much beyond that anymore. I am bored with him.

Oh, the judges are going to wait until after both songs to say anything. This night just keeps getting better and better...except for the hockey game, which I am flipping back and forth between. Come on Av's!

Next is David Cook. Bummer...I don't know this song. But I'm liking it. I'm really liking it. Is it me, or do you hear Bon Jovi when you close your eyes and listen to him? It only works with the eyes closed, because when you open them, you see David's ginormous forehead, which looks nothing, nothing, like Bon Jovi...who is still hot after all these years.

Brooke is singing I'm a Believer. Oh no...it's way too bubblegum pop. When I close my eyes this time, I conjure the Brady Bunch doing their happy little dance in matching outfits embroidered with burnt orange and avocado green flowers. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Ugh! David Archuletta singing Sweet Caroline, which of course he is fucking up. Why does he need to put runs in every single damn phrase? He's killing me softly with his song...but not in the good way. When I close my eyes I hear all the tortured souls in hell screaming for salvation. Make it stop...please, make it stop!

Syesha is singing Hello Again. Actually, this was pretty good...except I am having a hard time listening, because I am staring at her big, bare feet. What's with the bare feet again this week? Is she the Luna Lovegood of A.I., and someone has stolen all of her shoes? Please, give them back. I find it disturbing. When I close my eyes, all I see are icky feet. I don't hear anything. Have I mentioned that she looks like a black version of my cousin, Becky? Well, she does. It's quite freaky. But Becky wears shoes! SHOES!

Now the judges are talking, and Pauler is clearly drunk off her ass. She thinks they've sang twice. What? Randy, Simon and Ryan try to explain to her that the second songs were sung by the voices in her head, but she is utterly bewildered. Pauler: "This is hard!" Ohhhh, poor Pauler. Her job is hard. Keeping five people straight for half an hour can be exhausting work. Better have a nightcap and head off to bed there, Sweetie Pie, before you over extend yourself.

The friggin' Av's lost, if anyone cares. I TOLD Quenneville not to play Theodore. He is blocking only 87% of the shots thrown at him. Budai is at 97.5% for the series. But yeah...play Theodore. Quenneville must have a big off season vacation planned, with plane tickets for May 5th. Looks like he'll make that flight. Maybe he can even get it bumped up to May 2nd. Why waste a weekend?

Anyway...round two.

Jason is singing September Morn, and it is awful. Yuck! CO cannot stand Jason anymore, and I listen to his rant instead of the rest of the song. Judges didn't love it either...except maybe Pauler. I can't tell what she is saying. Someone bring her another drink, and maybe she will pass out.

David Cook is singing another song I don't know. Again, I like it...not as much as the first song, but I like it. I may have a double download of his songs this week. Simon thought it was brilliant. I am seeing what Tracey is saying about the smug...he doesn't look all that surprised that the judges love him. Oh well, I have to go with the smug over the suck.

Brooke is singing I am I Said. I know Neil, Neil whom I LOVE, recommended she change the lyric from New York to Arizona, but I didn't like it. It didn't make sense with with the "but nowadays I'm lost between two shores" part of the lyric. Arizona is not near a shore. In fact...it's pretty near to L.A. in the grand scheme of things. While she was changing things, maybe she should have said nowadays I'm lost on the 10 freeway between the Colorado River and the shore, near the Joshua Tree National Park. Still, Arizona stuff aside, I like this. This is the best she has sounded since Let It Be. Very nice!

Archuletta is singing America. I wondered who would play the patriot card. I should have known Little D would find a song with a message. Again, he is turning it into some pop ballad with an slight R&B twist. Again he looks like he is smelling poop, and therefore might cry. Again, the judges love him, and I cannot for the life of me understand why. Again I feel like vomiting my dinner.

Syesha is singing a campy stage version of Thank the Lord for the Night Time, which is pretty good...I think. I can still see her feet, so my hearing is impaired.

Going home this week...besides the Avalanche...is Syesha. I wish from the bottom of my soul that it will be David Archuletta, but he played the patriot card, and now all of the tweeners and their parents will vote for him.